Friendly Reminder about Healing

Healing is.not.linear.

I have learned this with ups and downs of life with a chronic disease.
But this is especially difficult for me to remember with my mental health.

I struggle with anxiety and depression, and I’m currently wading through it with help from a number of healthcare professionals, people who support me, and the #1 role-player…myself!

I woke up a couple of days this week in a fog, sad, heavy…which is counter to my normal, healthy, chipper self. But I’m not apologizing for these bad days, and I’m taking them in stride, going to therapy, journaling, soul-searching, moving my body when I need to, being still when I need to, feeling all the feels, and not feeling bad for the bad days.

Growing up, I carried such guilt when I had a bad day, and my coping mechanism was pretending that everything was finnnnnne and grrrrrreat. I now know that I don’t owe anyone an apology for a bad day, not even myself.

I guess what I’m saying is- give yourself grace, because I’m working on giving myself grace:
-when I KNOW I’ve done everything to feel better; given myself the right amount of sleep, food, #self-care, and I still don’t feel better
-in the thick of it, in my lowest low, feeling like it will never pass. spoiler alert: it will- it’ll wash over
-when I’m panicked for no reason/ when I’m panicked for a real reason
-when I’m tired, weary, and downright depleated
-when I don’t accomplish everything…or anything on my to-do list

Healing is the ups, the downs, the peaks, valleys, rough parts, ins, outs, and all the in-between. But it’s the good stuff, too. I’d like to think the lowest lows help us feel the highest highs with even more intensity and gratitude.

I want to be a sure, steady shoreline that can take on storms, and allow them to wash over. I watch the tide take the storms away, and when they come back, I’m still the shoreline, only this time- I can stand in the storm from a different vantage point from before, because I’m still the shore.
Is that cheesy?
I’m a cheese-ball, yall. I don’t care- this works for me, okay?

And remember- you’re never alone. People are healing all around you, including me.



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Feelin’ Myself on a Monday Morning

I keep reading books written by entrepreneurs, listening to podcasts by the greats like Oprah, and they all talk about taking control of your morning.

I’m not going to lie. There are some days that I don’t have a handle on things. I’ve been fighting through and sitting with depression and anxiety, and I’m not quite out of the hole and done healing just yet. On the bad days I am giving myself permission and grace to just have a bad day, pure and simple, free from guilt, and if that means that I need to sleep through the morning, or spend all day watching “How I Met Your Mother” re-runs, so be it.

But when I’m on my A-game and feelin’ like myself…I love the mornings. The whole world feels like it’s mine in the morning- unbothered by busy traffic, lines at coffee shops, or the sound of my phone going off. I love the gold light tones of the morning sun, the sound of the birds, and I wake up pretty damn chipper most days.

I have realized that it doesn’t take much to make me feel centered, but I understand what the greats are talking about…having control of my morning makes me feel empowered, fierce, beyonce-like, and ready to conquer the day.

What makes me feel centered and 100% myself? Oh- glad you asked.
music in the morning. Good stuff, like Creedence, Frank Sinatra, or lately I’ve been into Bob Seager (old soul here)
coffee– just a cup, maybe 12 oz if I’m feelin’ like I need a divine intervention. Pretty sure my resting heart-rate is something similar to a hummingbird’s, so I don’t over-do it.
movement. I’m a movement in the morning kind of person- but I understand that not everyone is like that. When I say “movement” I don’t mean crossfit- that’s not true to me, and I get stressed when people are yelling at me to move. I mean walking my dog, doing yoga on the back porch, hitting up a quick barre class, or going for a solo run.
stillness. Headspace app- thank you, Jesus.
creating. I need to write in the mornings. I need to journal, or blog, or hand-letter the shit out of something motivational, but I must create to feel 100%. If I have nothing to give, then I need to read something positive and fueling to my brain.
food. colorful and flavorful, sometimes in the form of a smoothie.

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Pictured above is my vision board in my home office/home gym/ bathroom. It’s a multi-purpose room, but I still set some real, attainable intention. I wrote affirmations that force me to look at them daily, and I printed out photos that remind me of who I am/want to be more of, goals, reminders, etc. If I don’t have visual aids to remind me to set intention and live my fullest freakin’ life, then I’m not sure if I’d remember to do it, and this helps me.

I also realized that I hate fake plants, but I’m keeping the guy anyway for now, because I’m not quite at a place in life where I can nurture a real plant hanging on my wall.

How do you set intention? What brings you back to feeling like yourself?


When life hands you lemons…

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I was a baton twirler in high school, so naturally I juggle.

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My backup career is to join the circus. Barefooted.

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^ This book (highly recommend!) is what got me thinking about this topic. Not the joining the circus as a solid Plan B, but the topic of “When life hands you lemons…”

You get to finish that sentence.

… “Make lemonade”
… “Add alcohol and make vodka sours”
… “Juggle them”
… “Throw the lemons on the ground and stomp on them”

However you want to finish that sentence- that’s your choice.

But what isn’t always your choice is what form the lemons manifest in your life. My lemons have taken many forms, most notably getting diagnosed with an incurable autoimmune disease at age 21. Shoutout to moderate to severe ulcerative colitis Crohn’s disease.

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P.S. Diagnosis was ulcerative colitis, then crohn’s, then ulcerative colitis…and most recently, “Crohn’s?”

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And at times I threw it on the ground.

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I did not handle the lemons gently and I didn’t do life so gracefully, because Crohn’s is a bitter-sour pill to swallow…again and again, ups and downs of flaring and thriving- one step forward and two steps back.

But at the end of the day- it’s my choice. What am I gonna do with those lemons?

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What are you gonna do with YOUR lemons? The pain and the uncomfortable, unfair life that happens that you can’t control- what are you going to do?

I think we create our own realities. Not completely because, you know, disease and things out of our control. Lemons.

But we choose the response that becomes our reality, and that is powerful. YOU choose to get up off of the bathroom floor, put down the Netflix remote, and chase the world outside and around us. You choose to see and feel the beautiful life stuff. You choose to muster the appreciation of the crap that’s happened to you…because even though it’s bitter-sour, it makes you all the more resilient, if you let it.

So.

Let the lemons make your life more flavorful, even though it doesn’t always taste good – let it make you better.
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Because I believe you’re bigger and badder and sweeter than your lemons, and if you disagree then we can just join the circus together.

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P.S. Health benefits of actual lemons:
-Vitamin C is good for your immune system
-Helps with hydration: drinking flavored water sometimes makes you drink faster
-Natural diuretic and can prevent bloating

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P.P.S. I set up the self-timer on my iPhone to take ALL of these goofy photos with lemons AND THEN I put them on the world wide web for the world to see—

-Stacey


R E M I S S I O N

Monday was the best day I’ve had in a long time.

“Are we allowed to use the ‘R-word’? Are you saying I’m in remission?”
“Yes. You can say that you’re in remission! Be proud of our hard work.” <- my doc.

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After nearly five years since my diagnosis with Inflammatory Bowel Disease, my medical chart has added a new word to its history: REMISSION

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A brief recap:
Late September 2012: began noticing symptoms (x rated version: bloody stools 30x daily and through the night, fatigue, sudden weight loss, nausea)
October 2012: Diagnosis “Moderate to Severe Ulcerative Colitis”; began Remicade IV treatments immediately
April 2013: hospitalization (“holistic approach” without meds didn’t work- oops)
May 2014: Mega-flare
June 2014: diagnosis changed to “Crohn’s disease” after 2nd colonoscopy
July 2015: Ran first half-marathon while fundraising for cures to Crohn’s and ulcerative colitis with the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America; still not in remission
August 2016: Concerns that Remicade infusions are losing efficacy; increase frequency of infusions
December 2016: New medical center, new doctor, new state, new meds
February 2017: Diagnosis is confirmed to original dx after 3rd (or 4th?) colonoscopy and biopsies, “Moderate to Severe Ulcerative Colitis”
May 2017: Reached clinical REMISSION

…what does that mean?

My labs are normal, showing no signs of active disease, meaning that my inflammatory markers are all within normal range. Also my micronutrients are all within normal ranges. I have zero symptoms in a day. ZERO. And then I wake up the next day after sleeping completely through, and I have zero symptoms again, and it keeps happening.

There’s no guarantee how long remission will last, since there’s no medical cure for Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis. My doctor is enthusiastic to work with me though, and he thinks there’s hope in the future for me to eventually live life without my IV infusion with a 50% chance of relapse. I actually like those odds, and I’ve NEVER heard a doctor reference my life without infusions, so this made me cry happy tears…and I’m not a happy tears kinda girl. However, weaning my body off of the infusion will take months, potentially even years because it’s a slow balancing act: increase the time between infusions, check blood, remain on oral medications, check symptoms, lower dosage of oral meds, check blood, etc.

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The goal now is to stay in remission and eventually get into “deep remission”. To me it sounds like I’m currently in remission with training wheels, but I gotta ride like a pro before I can be set free. More patience and hard work, and I am completely up for it!

In order to appreciate a milestone of this magnitude, I’m gonna be nostalgic for a hot second. Lessons I’ve learned from Crohn’s/ulcerative colitis/whatever the heck my diagnosis was when I learned these lessons:

1. Vulnerability is your friend. Vulnerability leads to empathy. Be vulnerable, because it creates a genuine connection with people that you can learn from, be encouraged by, or befriend. You can still keep your dignity and humility AND manage to be vulnerable too- don’t worry :).
I can connect with people on really weird, strange, close levels now because of my new-found empathy powers…and sometimes that freaks me out. But it’s cool, too.

2. Disease is a lens to view the world. NO WAY could I see the world in the way that I am able to see it now had I never been diagnosed. I’m able to feel the importance of time. Time is vital. Time is not on our side, but we can make the most of it…because it’s a gift. Truly. Sound cliche? I don’t care.

3. Humor is your greatest weapon. Whether I’m shitting my pants in traffic, dealing with a bad report, debilitated by fatigue, or having the greatest day of my life…humor. Always, always a good reason to laugh, usually at my own expense, and that makes my day. It’ll make yours too, if you let it.

4. Strength isn’t something that comes by osmosis. Life is tough- no, really. Life. Is. Tough. But one day you’ll look back thinking, “How did I survive that? How did I make it through?” You got stronger. While you were driving that struggle bus, you were gaining character, muscles, emotional fortitude, and badassery. You couldn’t feel it, but you were resilient. And now your resilience has made you strong. Way to take those trials like a champ! Find joy in trials, because you’re gonna find strength.

5. Kindness. Be slower to judge. You don’t know what people are enduring. We’ve all been through some small version of hell at some point, and some people handle that with more grace than others. Be kind to yourself, also. Rest, breathe, relax, sleep in if you need to, but don’t beat yourself up. You’re a work in progress, and you deserve a little kindness; we all do.

Oh- and celebrate every little accomplishment along your way. The best is yet to come!

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^ How I celebrate/deal/rationalize/breathe

Thank you all for celebrating this milestone with me!!!

-Stacey